Some one once told that me there are two angels on both our shoulders that hear our thoughts  & find ways of communicating it to the universe. I dont know how true this is , but I was reading this book called the Secret that said exactly the same thing. It specifically said that the universe does our bidding. It will give us what we want & exactly how we want it, if we know exactly what we want . Which by the way also means that knowing what you dont want does'nt classify under the same thing as knowing what you want. I loved the theory . I tried it & it workied. Please pick up a copy of the book called the secret & try whats in it . IT WORKS ...LIKE A CHARM .May your dreams come true.!

I love this song called Breathe by Anna Nickel :

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season."
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... Just breathe
Woah breathe... Just breathe

In May he turned 21 on the base at Ft Bliss
"Just a day," he sat down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... Just breathe
Woah breathe... Just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer
inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Yea, Sing it if you understand
And breathe... Just breathe
Woah breathe... Just breathe
Oh breathe... Just breathe
Ooh breathe... Just breathe

Hear it on Youtube.com ...AWESOME

"You really mean the world to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I have told you that you that you have a second place in my life. But thats not true & I cant to terms with it. I never thought I would feel the way I felt about Dhingroo, but the truth is that I do.I cant believe that I am doing this to myself again.PLease dont leave me ...marry me .. I really want you to be a part of my life "

He said all this with tears in his eyes. I can believe that things turned out the way they did in the end..Karan & me are best friends & while I know he is my daily fix for the day & not speaking to him in the day makes me uncomfortable.

I just got done with my long day. It was about 12.30 when I could'nt take it any more & called Karan to rescue me. He was with Maia. .. the most adorable woman I have met, funny smart, divorced, 40 & very very naughty. They both drove down from Bandra after having Dinner at a place called 5 Spice .

Its not that I think no end of myself...By that I mean my self esteem levels are more a less in tact (six sigma not applicable here) ..But its just that this  entire crap out & more crap in situation with guys (especially) has been the way of my life .

First I fall in love with this guy who is 3 floors shorter than me ...I realllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fall in love with him...He knew this & he loved (rather loves) me too( awww - ful) , Of the 6 billion population , he found only me to fall in love with.. Mr. K you are really something.Come to think of it it all began with us having inane conversations to childish arguments ( some serious ones too)..& then one fine day we decide that we are soul mates _ BANG

We decide to call it a relationship...the fun that we had flew out of the window that very second..We realised it after 7 days & on the 8th day we just decided to undo the mistake & JUST HAVE FUN

Now the thing with women & getting all emotional about shitty things is something I have over come..However invarialbly I get men who get all emotional about me - want to meet my parents & then marry me....Thats when I get MAD

I AM THE CHICK IN THIS RELATIONSHIP....I SET YOU FREE....GO HAVE FUN .............BE A MAN !!!!

But no ..they will become PAPLoOOs in love (inspite of being warned in extremely clear & simple ENGLISH)

Now Thats PISSING Off ...I CANT DEAL WITH THE EMOTIONAL DRAMA
 
THATS NOT THE END>> I AM TOO FURIOUS TO WRITE

Why are boys attracted to bad girls...the reason we are bad & snappy is because we want the dumb, irritating, good boys to STAY AWAY...

STAY AWAY

What do you do when work sucks???? Thats wats happening to me ..I wish i could escape..maybe marry some rich guy or maybe turn into a thieve...still better turn into a don & then rob a bank !!!

I hate what i am doing now. why ? because there is this guy at my work place who steals all my work away from me ...he is extremely competitive, faster than I am,  knows the business better than i do .. is politically strong & all the things you could be jealous of..but jealousy never really helped anyone. ...& its not helping me either .

According to people I shared this with, they said I was taking this personally..but this is my work & it is personal to me . . . . how can you be passionate about something & not feel for it ..I love where I am , but this guy is giving me a hard time ...cant people in leadership positions see this happenning ...Probably they can..Maybe they got to where they are doing this kind of thing &so they ignore it

Its not easy being a woman & giving up a softer feminine side & be a man & bond with the men..Women have to prove themselves doulbly hard & work ten times harder at being taken seriously at work.

How does one take initiative .. I feel clueless & helpless ...my ambition is killing my self worth..

Maybe I should focus on being a DON

THIS SO SUCKS!!!! 

I am extremely embarassed ... After all the goals I set for myself, I am extremely embarassed to admit that I have not been focussed on achieving them.

But I spoke to Charlie & he said something that kind of motivated me to reset the goals. He said " the race is long & we must go on" . He said this in the corporate context , but I still thought it was so true for life. We must go on no matter what...

What other choice do we have ??

So here is me redefining goals..and this time there is going to be a more focussed effort :


1. Loose weight - 15 kgs by the end of July
    a. 5 kgs by the 31st of May
    b. 5 kgs by the 30th of  June
    c. 5 kgs by the 31st of July

2. I will look after my self & respect my body. For this I will 

    a. quit smoking 

         i. smoke not more than 4 ciggs/day by the 31st of May

        ii. smoke not more than 2 ciggs /day by the 30th of June

       iii. not more than 1 cig every alternate day tll the 31st of june

       iv. no cigs there after

    b. eat right . 
     
        i. Will see a dietician from Hinduja hospital by the end of next week 

        ii. Will reduce calorie intake to 800 calories / day

        iii. will not have more than 4 units of coffee / tea at work 
  
         iv. no fried food

         v. no sweet food


    c. keep raging hormones under control

    d. drink 12 glasses of water every day (3 Litres)

    e. have thyroid tablet on time, first thing in the morning.

    f. will visit salon every once in a month & not wait till I become a grizzly
.

3. I will dress with more attitude:

    a. not wear over sized clothes to conceal the fat. Rather wear clothes that are just
        right 

    b. will wear clothes with more attitude & style 

    c. will match shoes & bags 

    d. Will buy the black belt that I have alwyas wanted.
 
 
4. Work Out :

  a. Will go to  the gym every morning irrespective of the time I sleep . 
  
  b. Will do a one hour cardio
 
5. Will change attitude towards:

     a. Alarm clock: will wake up at one go. WILL NOT SNOOZE IT 

     b Mom & B.Aunty who are constantly criticising me abt my weight . Will take    
         feed back  more     positively

     c. setting my priorities. Nothing is more important to me than the goals I set .

These are not NEGOTIABLE .
 
I will update this page of mine everday ( I mean it this time)

I am doing something that is scaring me, but I am still doing it . I just want to know what it is like to be on the other side. I really wish I could share it with the world & I know I just cant . Its killing me because I cant share it . Why cant people be more accepting of each others lifes. We would all be peaceful that way. I wish there were no rules. Then there would be no guilt , no fear, no shame, no feelings of rebellion . . just happy people who accept pure air & water for what it is..

Also imagine the wild things that we could do if there were no rules. Freedom of ex-pression & honesty would rule .

All this irritating shit I have written would be true only if no eveil exists...or all evil exists. Maybe evil is good !

I feel like this idiotic philosopher now, which by the way I am not. (maybe I am in Denial...God I hate self analysis!) This sucks & how.

He is such a looser. What is it with guys & being honest. You may not be interested in another person, but being nice & courteous is the way people should operate. I am bitchy with those who are bitchy. but with those who are nice or pretend to be nice I would be genuinely nice or make polite conversation & fuck off.

This Mr. Abhishek Bachan look alike acts like a total prick. He thinks he is gods gift to women kind. Chimp Faced , Panzee Creep !!!

People give out vibes of like or dislike. He may not like me for a partner, but he can be civil. I am not forcing myself on him. As a matter of fact..I AM NOT INTERESTED in him at all.

Why cant he be like his Mom & sis. We share such a great relationship.! I had a blast last night with the girls . Was at a place called 13th floor in Bangalore it is a nice place. .  . We wanted to find some hot guys to verbally flirt with (only), but to our dismay, there wernt any good looking guys. Infact they were so old & boring. No one came to the floor & danced. The only person who tried to make conversation with us was an old hag from Delhi. He asked us if we were from India & we told him no ...we are from Manhattan! We were all ready to dance on the bar but the crowd sucked & the musoic sucked & HOW!.

But we got so high ..we could'nt stop laughing !

So all in all ..to end this objectiveless blog with no beginning or end  I HAD A BLAST LAST NIGHT

While i am trying (maye not to the best of my effort), I am slipping with my goals.

I am at a cousins weding right now....& like with any other girl, the fix up " ladka dekho scene" has begun.

A little about the ladka, he is my mom s sisters best friends son. Everyone thinks he looks like abhishek bachan..

I DONT THINK SO.

On a more postive note, I think he is extremely kissable..he has hot lips!

Here is the problem, I dont think he likes me . I was at the wedding & while he got all the other chicks a chair to sit, he did not get me one ...I guess he thinks I am too huge for him. Being 5.11' tall & having a lot of extra kgs on is not the best thing in the world for  a woman . He seemed to be crushing n the women who were small made, straight haired & fair.

His ad in th matrimonial column would be " LOOKING FOR FAIR,SLIM, HOMELY BITCH WHO CAN BE DOMINATED BY ME & MY MOM"

to be contd.